A little down-home humor to cure the pollenated blues

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By Angye Morrison

I have to admit, I got a little homesick last week. It was Masters week in Augusta, after all, and I was missing all that goes with it. I even missed the joy of yelling at out-of-towners who don’t know where to go and then turn around in all the wrong places.

I miss seeing the grounds, with all the azaleas and dogwoods, and the green, green, very green grass. Oh, you can see azaleas and dogwoods other places, but they’re just not the same as those at the Masters.

I grew up in a nearby town, but I went to college in Augusta and lived there for many years. So I have a lot of years of driving in Masters traffic under my belt...the traffic was the worst part. Local folks know you don’t go anywhere near Washington Road, where the National is located, during that week. You can’t get into a lot of restaurants and forget trying to get into practice rounds anymore. I used to go to practice rounds years ago (mostly to see who was there, not watch golf)...back when you could go to the gate on Wednesday morning and buy a ticket and get in for the day.

These days, locals have the option of selling their first-born child to get a ticket or get put into the lottery for a practice round ticket. Another option is working the Masters – which means really long days but great tips.

A friend of mine, who worked at the Masters last week, told me about a person she met who was from up North, who couldn’t get over the fact that everyone’s cars seemed to be covered in mold.

“Why don’t people here wash their cars?” he asked.

My friend, with a look that could only be described as “Bless your heart,” said sweetly, “Because it’s not mold, shugah, it’s pollen.”

I was thinking, perhaps since us Southerners know how to deal with all the yellow stuff this time of year, there are many other things we are just born knowing as well. So I rounded up a few...enjoy!

A true Southerner knows...

• The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

• What general direction cattywumpus is.

• That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

• When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

• How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

• Knows what, "Well, I Suwannee!" means.

• Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits.

• Real gravy don't come from the store.

• When "by and by" is.

• How to handle their "pot likker."

• Never to go snipe hunting twice.

• At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

• You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

• The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."

• They know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

• Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

• How to show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

• Knows exactly how long "directly" is – as in "Going to town; be back directly."

• Knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'.)

• Knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 on the freeway – you just say, "Bless her heart" and go your way.

E-mail your comments and suggestions to me at editor@gadcotimes.com.