Last week, as I was out having lunch, I witnessed something no woman should ever have to.
I saw a man in really tight knit pants. Pants that left nothing to the imagination. Pants that were, well, in a couple of words, too small. I’ve heard it said that clothes make the man. Not in this case. They can, however, make the man do lots of things he shouldn’t.
After witnessing his, um, attire, I began to think about men and the clothing they wear, and I’ve been taking mental notes the past few days.
I’ve seen young men walking around with their way-too-big britches hanging down so far you can see their underwear. I’ve even seen grown men dressed like that. Pull your pants up already! Nobody wants to see that.
I’ve seen men walking around in clothing that doesn’t match. I’ve seen men with dirty collars on white shirts worn with ties. I’ve seen men with pants that are too short. I’ve seen men wearing socks with sandals.
I’ve seen enough. So I have devised some guidelines for you guys. Pay attention. Us girls are.
1. Clothes need cleaning, unless you plan to reduce your circle of friends. If you have never washed your clothes yourself, here’s a tip: separate them. Wash colors separate from whites. If you don’t, you’ll wind up with pink underwear. And your girlfriend or wife, once you snag one, will find it hard to take you seriously if you are wearing pink underwear.
Also, make sure you read the labels in your clothing so that you are only washing the things that should be washed, and taking the things that should be dry cleaned to the cleaners. Believe me when I tell you that it’s not attractive to wear a jacket with the sleeves only reaching your elbows.
2. Go through your closet and drawers and get rid of all of the clothes that are too small, too large or have holes in them. Also, throw out the clothes that aren’t age appropriate; no one wants to see a 40-year-old man wear a T-shirt that a 13-year-old would be ashamed to wear.
3. If you take clothes to the cleaners, only take slacks, jackets, suits and dress shits. Don’t take your underwear to the cleaners. When you take underwear to the cleaners, it raises eyebrows. Trust me.
4. Buy jeans that fit. Don’t buy them too tight, and don’t buy them too baggy. Either extreme sends a message you really don’t want out there.
And when buying pants, generally speaking, make sure they’re the right length. We get some flooding around here, but you don’t have to purchase your pants accordingly.
5. Button up your shirt and get rid of the medallion. The 70s are over.
6. No man should ever wear polyester. Ever.
7. Too much plaid never looks good, even on the golf course.
8. Either tuck the shirt in or leave it completely out. A combination is not necessary.
Overall, men, wear clothes that fit you well and are clean and pressed. You can’t go wrong with that.
Now...let’s talk about that comb-over...