Don't you aim that thing at me, Diaper Boy

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By Angye Morrison

Well...it’s upon us again. Valentine’s Day. My Facebook profile currently explains my thoughts on the subject: “Cupid shot me with an arrow so I pulled his wings out.”

As I walk the aisles in local stores, and I see the singing stuffed animals and heart-shaped paraphernalia, I lose all hope for romance. It’s all so...commercial.

I think Valentine’s Day needs a makeover.

The reason Valentine's Day needs changing is the same reason a baby needs changing: It stinks and it nauseates people.

Valentine's Day widens the already-large gap between those with relationships and those without them, because people who have significant others merely become more smug about it on Valentine's Day. They mention, ever-so-slyly, to everyone that they will be busy that day.

Obviously, I am one of the cold, embittered persons who does not have a significant other. I don't have any kind of other. Valentine's Day, therefore, doesn't mean squat to me. It's not even like Christmas, where if you don't celebrate it you can at least appreciate the ideals of peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Valentine's Day doesn't have any ideals attached to it, except the florists’ and heart-shaped candy box manufacturers’ notions that they would like to make more money.

When we were in elementary school, Valentine's Day was so much simpler. All it meant was that we got another in-class party. And there were no feelings of isolation or loneliness because everybody had to give everybody else a valentine. Even kids who normally spent most of their time with their heads in toilets receiving swirlies from the cool kids got valentines from the whole class. Mom would buy a package of 30 valentines at the supermarket, and they had Smurfs or Snoopy or Looney Tunes on them, and they said stupid things like, "Valentine, you're grr-rr-rreat!" with a picture of a tiger, and you would scribble your signature like an author signing books at  Barnes and Noble, and distribute them to everyone regardless of race, creed, color or swirly history.

Life was beautiful and peaceful and everyone loved each other, at least superficially and for one day, which was enough to keep the swirly kids from turning to the dark side.

I propose a hearkening back to the old days, back to when Valentine's Day was simple and meaningless. It's still meaningless, of course, but some people (again, mostly florists) have attached false meaning to it. We need to go back to when it was just another dumb, harmless holiday, a time to express insincere emotions and strengthen generic friendships.

Here's my proposal. Let's expand the elementary school philosophy to the next level. This Valentine's Day, everyone needs to bring enough valentines for everyone else in Gadsden County.

Oh, and be sure to include some of those heart-shaped candies that say "Be Mine" and "You're the One"– you know, the ones that taste like Tums. It's just not Valentine's Day without them.

E-mail your comments and suggestions to me at editor@gadcotimes.com.